Pastor Eggerichs asks an important question

Pastor Eggerichs wonders: Do Wives Live by a Double Standard, and Is That Okay Because They Are Vulnerable Victims?

Pastor recounts the following email from a husband:

Recently, a husband e-mailed me: “My wife relishes the fact that she is a ‘strong independent woman.’ We are a blended family and I love my wife dearly. . . . We joined our lives in 2013 and combined accounts and everything else. I took care of the bills (to her request) and did a fine job.

(However) I questioned her on an issue dealing with her teenage son about the timing of getting his braces. This among some issues of the blending of the family drove her to separate out our accounts. It is a year later and she has no intention of joining our accounts. She keeps claiming that I do not like that she is fully “independent.” She also does not like telling me where she is going, does not want me to be a ‘step-dad’ to the kids (as they already have a dad they see every other weekend).

I am very hurt by this as it is again a separation move by her. It is not about the money to me. I am the majority earner in our family. To me, it’s about trust, becoming one with another person. When I married my wife I wanted the two to become one. That is not to say for her or I to lose our individuality but the two shall become one. Right now there is no way to plan for retirement together or plan for the future. We can’t even pay bills effectively as she pays some bills and I have to ask daily what she has paid. She is very happy with her taking care of her kids and me taking care of mine. This drives me insane. I hate the way she has forced us to live.”

Thankfully, Dr. Eggerichs has begun to notice the unbiblical attitudes that have oozed into Christian marriage. He asks:

Does a wife have a right to be independent like this? Let me answer that with a question: Does a husband have a right to be independent like this?

What would you think if the wife complained, “We can’t even pay bills effectively as he pays some bills and I have to ask daily what he has paid”?

What would you feel if the husband decided to separate the accounts when questioned by his wife, declared that he needed to be appreciated as fully independent, expressed that he did not like being asked where he was going, and asked his wife to stop being a step-mom to his kids?

Many gals would feel disgust about this mistreatment of a wife. They would label this husband as abusive. But how many would label a wife as abusive for doing such things?


We need more pastors asking these kinds of questions. Desperately. Let us all be in prayer that the Lord will have mercy on us for turning away from His perfect marriage model outlined in the Bible and send us leaders who will be unashamed of His Word.

7 thoughts on “Pastor Eggerichs asks an important question

  1. At first, I expected Pastor Eggerichs to be one of your avian charges. Well, you have a new name to use should it come up.
    As for a review of his post, it is good that the situation is still respectful although the wife is in rebellion. He is keeping it matter of fact which is good.
    Cill mentioned over at my usual haunt how pleasant it is to visit a society that does not hate men. He was referring to Mainland China. I can think of other places. This is germaine because if feminism had not poisoned women’s attitudes toward men, women wouldn’t be suspicious of men all the time.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is not bad, but Eggerichs’ analysis proceeds from an incorrect assumption. He presumes husband and wife are equal, and they have the same roles in a marriage. Eggerichs presumes that the husband doing this would have the same effect on the marriage as when the wife does it. The difference is that when the wife does it, she’s acting in an unsubmissive way. By asking about a hypothetical husband doing the same things (separating out the accounts, telling wife not to act as a “step mom”, etc.), Eggerichs suggests that the husband should submit to his wife.

    Eggerichs should know better, as he’s the author of “Love and Respect”. That book goes directly to the differences between what women want and need in marriages. He doesn’t get it all correct, but he does at least get that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I get what you’re saying, but I don’t know for sure that Eggerichs does make those assumptions. From what he wrote here, I see that he is asking his female readers to consider their own assumptions and reactions, with the point being that most women would see it as abusive if the husband did what the wife in the email did.

      When you are trying to get someone to examine their beliefs and reactions, I guess you kind of have to start with where they are at and proceed from there. Where many Christian women are at is an unconscious attitude of superiority.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I saw it the same way, Sunshine, except that I wouldn’t limit just Christian women to living in a state of superiority; I’d rather argue that it’s at epidemic levels across pretty much every group (although I’d have to say that teenagers/college students are probably most highly infected).

        Liked by 3 people

  3. Another thing. The pastor is approaching this incorrectly. It is the wife who has broken faith. Why is he looking for solutions that involve him as an active participant?
    This woman won the jackpot. She remarried into a house hold that accepted and welcomed her and her kids. From the sound of it, he’s a great Dad and husband.


  4. “My wife relishes the fact that she is a ‘strong independent woman.’

    I think this gets to the heart of the problem right off the bat. “Independent” actually means, “free of commitment, not influenced by others, not subject to authority or jurisdiction”, and in grammar, “capable of standing syntactically as a complete sentence.” All those things are the opposite of marriage. Married men who are strong and independent, we describe as emotionally remote, avoidant, uncommitted.

    Kind of funny, I live in the midst of strong the independent woman syndrome, but the very word independence cause such offense, our 4th of July celebrations have all been renamed “inter-dependence day.” Apparently we are all dependent on one another, except in marriage where such a thing is perceived as shameful.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. The Pastor should have asked him this:

    “What in the world did you think you were going to get when you dove headlong into adultery with this woman? A faithful, Christ centered marriage? Now you come to me asking for advice on how to make your adulterous relationship less trying? I got one word for ya bub: Repent.”

    Mark 10: 10 When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this. 11 He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. 12 And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.”


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