Christian women should be helpers, not careerists.

Deep Strength has posted a link to a thought-provoking essay by NYCPastor entitled 10 Women Christian men should not marry. I was particularly interested in one of the categories of women the pastor said Christian men should not marry:

9. The Career Woman. Now, I want to clarify something here.  There is nothing wrong with a woman who works (Acts 16:14), what’s wrong is a woman who puts her career ahead of her family.  Modern American society might hate to hear this, but God made men to be the providers and women to be the nurturers of the home (in most instances).  It’s okay for a woman to be a doctor, attorney, or any other professional.  However, if her career is coming at the expense of her home, then something is wrong.  If day-care is raising her young children while she’s working, then something is wrong.  I understand that there might be a season of life where the wife might have to be the main bread-winner due to her husband’s unemployment, but it should not be the desired norm. The woman ought to be willing (and even desirous–to some extent) to give up her job for the sake of raising her kids in the Lord.  “So I counsel younger widows to marry, to have children, to manage their homes and to give the enemy no opportunity for slander” (1 Tim 5:14).

It shouldn’t shock my readers to hear me say I agree with him even though I am working full time at present. In The purpose of paid work for women, I wrote:

Feminists with their bloated egos tell women that their paid work is their path to personal fulfillment. This is a lie. Personal fulfillment is found in God and family – nothing more and nothing less. Chasing the elusive and incredibly selfish dream of “personal fulfillment” will leave you empty for the simple reason that – unlike God and your family – your job does not love you.

My advice to young women: prioritize family formation over education and career. Prepare yourself to earn money as a means of serving your family but don’t get wrapped up in worrying about your personal fulfillment at work because that isn’t why you are there.

 

Christian women should strive to be helpers, not careerists.

Now, on to a pleasant bit of related personal business…

As you know, I accepted my current full-time position for a specific reason: my husband and I want to purchase another ten acres of land that is up for sale across from us. In speaking to a real estate agent who knows this area well, he said undeveloped land around here is going for about $10,000/acre if the perc test looks good. The ten acres across the dirt road was listed at $70,000, then started dropping quickly because the owner is in a hurry to sell. It seems like he may have inherited the land and wants the cash. The price has dropped now to $45,000 and we don’t think it will stay up for sale much longer at that price – that’s only $4,500/acres.

We are thinking of making an offer, contingent upon the land perc-ing satisfactorily, but our conundrum is this: we don’t like debt. I’m driving a nearly ten-year-old minivan because I can’t stand the thought of taking a car loan and I don’t want to dip into what’s left of our savings after the big move we did in September. I’d rather my dinged up van than a car payment any day and I could give a rip about what people think of my scuffed up vehicle, since it’s clean and reliable. By being frugal, Philip and I were able to put a very large down payment on our current land and home, but even so we had to mortgage part of it. We haven’t yet saved up enough cash to buy the new chunk of land outright, so we’d have to mortgage part of that purchase price…and we loathe debt! But if we don’t move soon, the land will be gone, and it’s a gem. There are no other unsold, undeveloped chunks of land around us; we are surrounded by homes on 5-10 acre plots (except for the homes lining West Lake), some preservation lands, the Waterloo Rec area, and big 100+ acre farms.

So we’re really mulling this over – buy now by taking on debt or hold out while we squirrel away all my paychecks and pray no one else grabs it? But tomorrow Philip is calling our mortgage officer just to inquire…prayers for wisdom in this matter would be appreciated, as we view this land as part of our long-term vision for our family, if the Lord is willing, with hopes of establishing a base for a multi-generational kin network.  Recall that my husband’s brother and his wife live a fifteen-minute drive from us, his auntie is just around the corner from us, and his mother is looking to move from Dearborn to live near us as well.  Our plan for the land is to allow our children to build houses on it if they wish in the future when they marry.  Living near extended family is something that I have increasingly come to value and the idea of my future grandchildren, should God bless me with any, being able to walk across the street to visit me is very appealing.

But mortgaging it would mean I’m tied to a full-time job for the forseable future. I don’t mind this much, as I work in a pleasant school district with friendly co-workers, but I miss my family terribly when I’m away from them all day. Still, it seems I may have to accept being apart from my family now in order to have a place for them to live near me later on.

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38 thoughts on “Christian women should be helpers, not careerists.

  1. It’s hard to know what to do in this situation. Rather than fret about it, I’m just going to pray, talk it over with Philip, and then trust him to make the final decision.

    But as the Sea Witch in The Little Mermaid said…

    Ugh, one thing that hasn’t changed is my dislike of GIFs. 🙂

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  2. You know, as much as I do like my job, I really don’t like going to it every day, and I think the reason is because it means getting up so darn early. What crazy person decided we should all get up and leave our houses when it’s still dark out? It’s uncivilized. School shouldn’t start until 10:00 a.m., I tell ya!

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  3. I mean, it’s not even 9 o’clock yet, but I’ve got to go to bed or I’ll be a wreck in the morning. I wish someone would start a second-shift elementary school that runs from 11 a.m. to 7:00 p.m. Really, actually, no one should be out before noon in the winter, I think. Can I get an amen on that?

    Michigan winters are cold and dark; why couldn’t we have established our kin network somewhat closer to the equator? But no, I had to marry a man who just lurves winter. 🙂

    Anyway. I’m getting loopy from lack of sleep. G’night!

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  4. It’s interesting to me that this man used this verse to justify women working outside of the home, “A woman named Lydia, from the city of Thyatira, a seller of purple fabrics, a worshiper of God, was listening; and the Lord opened her heart to respond to the things spoken by Paul.” Yes, she works but it never says she worked outside of the home just as the Proverbs 31 woman who, “maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant” doesn’t mean she works outside of the home. I can’t imagine working full-time with a lot of children. I understand your reasoning and it sounds wonderful but what if your children decide not to live near you after all of that sacrifice? If you ask me, which you are not, I would encourage you to come home and be with your family who needs you full-time.

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    • It’s interesting to me that this man used this verse to justify women working outside of the home, “A woman named Lydia, from the city of Thyatira, a seller of purple fabrics, a worshiper of God, was listening; and the Lord opened her heart to respond to the things spoken by Paul.” Yes, she works but it never says she worked outside of the home

      Paul met Lydia in Philippi; she was from Thyatira. Commentary on the verses say that she was on some kind of merchant/business trip when she met Paul. Which is neither here nor there really; the Bible is clear that women’s focus is usually to be on their families. This is why I oppose careerism.

      But what the Bible doesn’t say is that women cannot earn money, and many laudable women in the Bible did so. The difference is that the idea of seeking self-fulfillment through some kind of career that a woman went out to every day was so foreign (to men AND women) in Bible times that they would not even understand what we are debating here. Women earned money like Priscilla did with her husband Aquila – by working in her family business such as tent-making. But that is how men primarily earned money, too. And it was a much more family-centered environment and probably more emotionally fulfilling.

      Because you know, I don’t mind hard work, not at all, but what I hate is being away from my home and family. But my husband doesn’t like being away from us either. A home business would be lovely, but we can’t think of any particular talent we have for that. So heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it’s off to work we go…

      I can’t imagine working full-time with a lot of children.

      What I can’t imagine is working full-time with preschoolers or babies. My kids are school aged and no one is being home-schooled this year (were it necessary to home-school them again, I would do it as I’ve done it in the past). But so many of the women I work with have babies and toddlers and boy, those ladies look exhausted. I don’t know how they do it, I really don’t. I won’t criticize them because I don’t know their situation, but it would’ve broken my heart into a thousand pieces to be away from my babies 40-50 hours a week. But one woman I work with is a devout Christian with (seven!) biological children ranging in age from 3-teenager, and she has always worked full-time, so there is a lot of disagreement about what’s best and what’s biblical in this area.

      I understand your reasoning and it sounds wonderful but what if your children decide not to live near you after all of that sacrifice? If you ask me, which you are not, I would encourage you to come home and be with your family who needs you full-time.

      I hope they’ll want to live near us, but their husbands may want to live near their parents, who may not live anywhere near us. We are hoping to bribe them with land, bwahahaha… 🙂 No, wait, that’s not biblical at all. Let me try again: we are hoping that God will make it clear to us whether we are to buy this land or not and if so, what we are to do with the land.

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      • I do believe it is fine for women to earn money as long as they can be help meets to their husbands in everything and their marriage isn’t tanking, they’re raising their children in the nurture and the admonition of the Lord AND they look well to the ways of their household. If you’re doing fine in all these areas, go for it but if you sense something going awry, I encourage you to go home! Making money and buying more land isn’t worth failing in the areas the Lord has specifically called you to.

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  5. I don’t know which way to advise you but, one thing to consider, this purchase is optional. Nothing bad will happen if it falls through. Rest easy.

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      • Who knows, someone else may build a home only to have your daughters future in laws living there. Two birds one stone! LOL.

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  6. Work, particularly of the kind that allows people realize their God-given talents and passions, is ennobling for women as much as it is for men. What’s more, it benefits all of us. Humanity should be grateful that Marie Curie did not heed the narrow-minded idea that steadfastly pursuing a career outside of home was unwomanly or wrong somehow.

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    • Yes ma’am, you are correct: we are narrow-minded here. We only consider that path which the Bible says is good and right. We don’t always understand for sure what that is, which is why we ladies are discussing it right now, but none of us has any wish to be broad-minded.

      Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it. – Matthew 7:13-14

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  7. Debt’s a horror when it’s for consumption. Asset producing debt is a time-honoured way of creating wealth, if you’re smart and prudent about the way you use it. And land is still the basis for building wealth, even in our virtual age.

    If you have good reason to believe the land is undervalued, then the pain of going further into debt for a defined time could be worth it. Also, because the land is undervalued, it means you can sell it easily and probably still make a significant gain on it, if you have to reduce the mortgage for some reason.

    Plus, money is historically cheap right now, with interest rates being so low. They can’t stay so low forever.

    The only thing is, if you’re emotionally tied to something, you can’t see it clearly. You’re obviously in love with it and want to buy it, but there might be a reason it’s selling cheaply that you’re not seeing, because you want it. So get an outside opinion e.g. from someone who can tell you what it would take to develop it or build on it, and what problems there might be with it.

    The other thing is, Lori is right in the sense that what your kids do in the future is the great unknown. If your kids decided not to settle down next to you, would you curse all the mornings you had to get up to work to buy it? Or would you be glad you had a lovely piece of land that gave you pleasure in your own lifetime and that you could sell to secure yourself a comfortable retirement and give them a good inheritance?

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    • You are no stranger to risk and hard work, Sunshine. If you weren’t, I’d say forget about it. I agree with Bodycrimes that the land is a good investment but to get the appraisal of an objective person. I’m part Irish and I have done all manner of crazy things to hold on to family land (gave my ex half of my property so that my daughter still inherits it, etc.) The scene of Mr. O’Hara telling Scarlett that nothing is more important than land stirs my blood. So, I can think of no better reason for you to work. And you are absolutely right that sacrifice right now will result in a far bigger pay off later.

      As for the staying home to be with your children issue. I had the impression that your children were school age. So who exactly would you be staying home with? I have never been able to come to terms with the idea of not working, although I have my frustrations with it. I find it selfish. If I am not going to bed exhausted every night from the effort I have put in trying to make the lives of everyone around me better, then I have wasted my time here on earth for this day. And I have the ability to care for more than just my immediate family.

      I know that teaching in an undervalued profession, but it is a calling and what you do matters. There are still weekends, there are still vacation days, there are still summers where you will spend time with your family. You cannot think only of your children; you must think of your grandchildren and their children.

      If you decide the land is the right thing to do, I want you to set up a fund so that readers can donate. I can give a little and I’m sure others can too. Enough people giving a little could add up to a lot. This response is sort of thrown together because I have to head off to work myself. Everyone else in my home sleeps peacefully because of that. Good luck in your decision.

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      • It’s not selfish to stay home, Kate, it is biblical. There is nowhere in the Bible that it tells women to go away from their homes and get jobs. This is what the Bible prescribes for older women, “…having been the wife of one man, well reported of for good works; if she has brough up children, if she has lodged strangers, if she has washed the saints’ feet, if she has relieved the afflicted, if she has diligently followed every good word” and for the younger “I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully.” {1 Timothy 5} I have been home full-time for 30 years. I’ve raised 4 children who all walk with Jesus. I mentor many women. I babysit my grandchildren. If I were healthier {brain tumors}, I would help others a lot more. These are not selfish things. Society was a much better and safer place when mothers were home taking care of their homes, families, and others.

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      • I am not a Christian, Lori, but we are not in disagreement. It sounds as if your life has been filled with good work. “Work” and “career” are not necessarily the same. “Job” and “business” are not necessarily the same. I hope your health improves.

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      • If you decide the land is the right thing to do, I want you to set up a fund so that readers can donate. I can give a little and I’m sure others can too. Enough people giving a little could add up to a lot.

        You’re very sweet 🙂 but I won’t ask that from my readers. I don’t oppose bloggers asking for donations – many do – but I know for sure that wouldn’t be the right choice for me.

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      • Naturally, you wouldn’t ask, but if people want to offer, it would give them a way to get it to you. Some of us feel really deprived if you don’t let us give, ya know 🙂

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    • The only thing is, if you’re emotionally tied to something, you can’t see it clearly. You’re obviously in love with it and want to buy it, but there might be a reason it’s selling cheaply that you’re not seeing, because you want it. So get an outside opinion e.g. from someone who can tell you what it would take to develop it or build on it, and what problems there might be with it.

      Yes, exactly right. And it’s really not even a “choice” since we’ll probably end up putting 20% down and then mortgaging the rest (if we even buy it) and the mortgage company is going to want to see perc tests and building site suitability inspection reports unless we plan to farm it (and if we say we want to farm it, that’s a different set of tests and reports). If we make an offer, we will request the seller pay for the perc test and we’ll pay for the building site testing, which isn’t super cheap ($500-$600).

      If your kids decided not to settle down next to you, would you curse all the mornings you had to get up to work to buy it? Or would you be glad you had a lovely piece of land that gave you pleasure in your own lifetime and that you could sell to secure yourself a comfortable retirement and give them a good inheritance?

      I will threaten to disinherit the ungrateful little so-and-sos…no wait a minute, that’s not right. OK, I guess I will enjoy riding my horse around on it until I’m too old and rickety and then I’ll sell it for a huge profit and retire to some place where “snow” is not a common word. 🙂

      This weekend I’m going to go take some pictures of the land and post them here so ya’ll can see why I want to buy it so much. The picture on the real estate website is useless, it doesn’t show the nice parts, just a field in the very early spring that’ll all brown and dead.

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      • I guess I will enjoy riding my horse around on it until I’m too old and rickety and then I’ll sell it for a huge profit and retire to some place where “snow” is not a common word.

        So, we’re going to be neighbors? Your horse can pal around with my wife’s horse.

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  8. I agree with Lori, though none of this matters, it will be your husband who will decide. It’s one thing to volunteer to have a full plate for a short period of time, it is overwhelming to agree to it for an indefinite amount of time.

    I think there is good reason why the land has come down in price and is available now. Many valuable lessons can be learned and above all else, prayer is needed for this decision.

    When we were just moving from Oklahoma, there were so many times we had settled on where to live, the perfect house, our dream come true! Only to look back and be so grateful that the guidance it felt we were getting through prayer was to say “not yet”. Even now, with the beautiful home we have, the perfect location, the acreage and “everything we’ve always wanted”, Ben talks with me about letting it go if the time arises. It is a thing. And we can’t hold up our treasure in things. Yes, having what could potentially be a homestead for generations would be fantastic, but just one of many things he warned me of, if the tax burden on this place becomes too great, he has no interest in passing that on to our children or grandchildren, and we will sell it to one of the many “white flighters” coming out of the city and purchase property elsewhere.

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      • One of the 86.4% of white individuals leaving the city due to its ever expanding programs that draw in non-white individuals from Chicago whose culture is vastly different than that of the majority to include crimes of poverty that the white individuals don’t particularly like. So they take themselves and their privilege to the suburbs where it is too expensive for the low income newcomers to live.

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  9. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with working toward a financial goal, especially if it benefits your family.

    Recently I signed a contract for a writing assignment that will take a lot of my extra time over the next two months. I’m doing it for a specific reason—to pay for my daughter to travel to Europe with her soccer team this summer to play in the Youth World Cup games. We could not afford the trip otherwise.

    The working women I know are all working to benefit their families, whether to pay for necessities like groceries and rent or to provide extras such as ice hockey and dance lessons and an annual family vacation.

    The lucky ones also gain a sense of personal fulfillment through their careers. If God has given you a talent, you feel a sense of real joy and purpose when using it whether to perform brain surgery or teach kindergarten. You can certainly enjoy your work while putting your family first and if you take a look at most of the women you know they are probably demonstrating this.

    In your case, the land acquisition sounds like it would be a good investment even if your children and their spouses decide not to build on it. If you’re purchasing it at have of its assessed value, it would be hard not to make a tidy profit whether you sell it 20 years from now or much sooner.

    Years ago, a young couple bought open land next to our property when the owner was going through a divorce and needed to sell quickly. They couldn’t afford to build a house on it at the time so they held onto it for about 5 years. They ended up selling it for more than twice what they had paid, providing them with the funds to purchase another parcel and start constructing their home.

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    • You can certainly enjoy your work while putting your family first and if you take a look at most of the women you know they are probably demonstrating this.

      Many women I know are but some aren’t. I have an acquaintance (not a co-worker) whose career comes first. Her family is expected to adapt themselves around it. She told me a while back in a casual conversation that she had to work on an upcoming holiday. Another woman listening expressed her condolences and said, “Your kids must be disappointed.” I thought her reply to that was quite callous: she simply said they’d celebrate the holiday the day after and the kids would just have to deal with it.

      Aren’t you worried about your daughter traveling abroad without you? I worried myself sick when our eldest went to Tennessee with the church youth group for a conference last year. This year they’re going to Haiti (!) and we said absolutely not.

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      • I’m not worried about her safety. Her coach who has brought the team to Europe for 20 years will be there and a few of the soccer moms who have a similar parenting style as mine are chaperoning. Plus, the games and practices are so intense they won’t have much time to get in trouble.

        I would love to go with her and she’s asked me to come. They will be in Barcelona and I’ve never been there. But, the pay I receive for my extra job won’t be enough to cover the cost for both of us to go unfortunately. Of course, if the needed funds unexpectedly appear, I’ll renew my passport.

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  10. Some more food for thought:
    Part of the benefit of learning to live on one income alone allows for a family to have untapped resources for emergencies. You and I both know that anything can happen where our husbands’ can lose their ability to work. We were fortunate that Ben was in the Army and continued to get paid while he was bedridden. What if it happened now? Part of what we made sure to do, moving here, was to store up as many untapped resources as we could. We bought a house that has a private one bedroom apartment that we could, if need be, rent out, as well as me going to work outside the home. We have held on to a collectors sports car that could, if need be, be sold, etc. Ben is looking at making a career change now which will put him in a better financial position long term, but we might need to tap in to one of those resources short term as the starting pay is less than what he makes now. Again, having those untapped resources available has allowed for his creative mind to be freed up to make decisions like this. Resulting in less stress for him and a freedom of not being stuck in a job that doesn’t have the potential as others do.

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    • Some more food for thought:
      Part of the benefit of learning to live on one income alone allows for a family to have untapped resources for emergencies. You and I both know that anything can happen where our husbands’ can lose their ability to work.

      That’s why buying this on a mortgage bothers me. If we waited a year or two until we had saved up the purchase price, that would be one thing, but what if I needed to quit my job to care for a sick family member (may it not be so, Lord)?

      Or what if my income were needed for our regular expenses for some reason?Well, I know what that would mean. It would mean that when my employer says, “Wouldn’t you like to work over the summer, too?” instead of saying, “No thank you” I would have to say “Yes, please.” And then I’d truly be a sad mama.

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  11. Sarah’s Daughter has a good point about the potential tax burden. If you keep the land long term, you may end up having to work indefinitely to help pay for the taxes on property that your children may or may not want to live someday.

    One of the reasons we moved to Vermont was that property taxes were much lower than in NJ. But, they’ve skyrocketed over the past decade and are now almost equal to our monthly mortgage payments.

    If your area becomes more desirable as Ann Arbor becomes too expensive for middle-class families, property values will rise. A I good thing if you decide to sell, but not so much if corresponding tax rates also rise and you decide to stay.

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    • Yes, the taxes are one of the things Phil is concerned about. The taxes all around here are already outrageous. We have family in Webster Township paying $5000/year. Our taxes in Dexter Township are $6000 per year. The land across the street will add about $1000/year in additional tax burden. It’s much lower because there is no building on the land, but if we put up that pole barn we’re dreaming of, that’s even more in taxes.

      But there is a huge housing boom happening again in Ann Arbor, demand exceeds supply, and A2 is nearly completely built up from one end to the other. It’s so different from when I moved there 26 years ago; there were still rural, undeveloped parts back then, as Farm Boy can attest.

      It’s only a matter of time before the sprawl makes its way out here. It already has to some degree though not nearly as bad as other areas. But sprawl means we can sell the land for a profit, so there’s that. I suppose you’re seeing sprawl in Vermont, too?

      I don’t mind people buying land and building houses out here if they keep it woodsy, but what I hate is that some folks buy country land and then scalp it and put in a chem lawn. Why move out to the country to do that?! Keep your chem lawn in the ‘burbs and leave me my trees and deer, people!

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  12. “I have never been able to come to terms with the idea of not working”

    Kate might be speaking women who stay home and don’t work in the home. There is nothing not exhausting about gardening, landscaping, doing home improvements, shoveling, etc. Most of the time when I’m reading on the internet is when I’m on a break, up in the woods, pulling out an average of 1/3 cord of wood/day that’s on the ground for my husband to cut up over the weekend (he’s going to train me on the chainsaw but doesn’t want me cutting without anyone here so during the school year it’s pointless). He had me quit my gym membership since he bought me a “home” gym. We’ll be adding chickens and goats either this spring or next and tripling the size of our garden. And all of that is in the time when I’m not doing what every woman, working or not, has to do anyway – tend to husband’s needs, tend to children’s needs, cook, bake, clean, laundry, shop, budget, bills, maintain extended family relationships, sleep etc. When a woman figures out how to do all of that and work outside the home and have her nights and weekends free for her husband’s preferred leisure activities, then I might be convinced she can “have it all”. Otherwise, I don’t buy it, something slips and it’s usually time with the people we love most.

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    • I physically work harder when I stay home. All of September and October I busted my buns around here doing all the kinds of things you mention. I wouldn’t be able to work like that and work a job; in my particular situation, I have summers off, so I will garden and work on our land and house then. But if I had to work all summer, this house and land would be pointless for us to have.

      My bathrooms and kitchen are spotless and the laundry is done, but there are dust bunnies under the couch and I need to mop the wood floors. My husband and I haven’t gone out alone together in four months.

      There is no such thing as “having it all” no matter what you choose. We’ve all got the same 24 hours in a day and have to choose how to spend them.

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  13. Your children may setttle all over the country. Then you would have wasted all these years while they are young and you could have been with them. You can’t control everything.

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  14. Pingback: Millennials: childless, indentured to student loans for life, and all for nothing. | The Sunshine Thiry Blog

  15. My uninformed, drive-by opinion in this would be don’t buy it. Your kids might choose to live there then, but you will be away from them more now. Call me pessimistic, but you being away that much that often may end up with them less inclined to live on the land later.

    And you don’t need the debt.

    That said… let’s turn to Esteemed Internet Sage Victor Pride for a sec…

    The rich know the secret to purchasing items they want: 1) They buy in cash or 2) They buy or create a business that will pay for the item they want.http://boldanddetermined.com/2013/10/21/the-minimalists-guide-to-getting-rich-part-1/

    If you can find a way to make the land pay for itself somehow (not being there, I don’t know if that’s an option), then go for it. You’ll have an inheritance for your kids, land you can use now, and a way to pay down already-existing debt.

    A home business would be lovely, but we can’t think of any particular talent we have for that.

    A collection of past essays might have some sales potential. Or matchmaking… nah, you suck at that.

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  16. Pingback: Is Being a “Keeper of the Home” Unhealthy & Bad for Children? | girlwithadragonflytattoo

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